OPERATION GRAB@$$

Hey Sports Fan, how's everybody doing back in the Land of the Big BX? Still livin' the dream here in Iraq. Surviving the heat (well into triple digits everyday) and the occasional 107mm rocket attack. There's been talk of an elevated risk of improvised explosive devices being brought into the IZ or Green Zone, but nothing noteworthy as of yet. Our Iraqi counterparts working the checkpoints are actually doing their jobs ... we'll see how long that lasts. So OPERATION GRAB@$$ chugs along at a snail's pace.

To fully understand and appreciate OPERATION GRAB@$$, we must first define what grab@$$ is. Grab@$$ is 1. an expression used to refer to horseplay being committed by others that has become annoying, 2. is normally associated w/ men and boys trying to avoid work or some other responsibility, and 3. and is commonly used in the Southern States. For our application we'll use the following ... a seemingly intractable mess or bureaucracy that impedes the free flow of progress. Yes, I like that. That's exactly what we have here @ MeNSTiCk-I. The prevention of the free flow of progress.

Here is a perfect example ... our organization wanted a specific Motorola radio to hand out to our training teams and physical security details (PSD) throughout Iraq, but the powers that be assigned above our organization didn't want to have multiple communication systems assigned under the MeNSTiCk-I umbrella that were not compatible ... which makes perfect sense. Why have four different communication systems that prevents the flow of information among individuals assigned to MNSTC-I. The problem is the system that was selected does not meet the requirements our organization needs in the field. So now we are stuck w/ 100 radios that are completely worthless to our organization, and they will sit from now till Iraq freezes over in a CONEX unused and unwanted. The fleecing of America in full stride.

Random act of dumbness you ask ... not even close. Prior to my arrival our organization ordered eight weapons safes to store long rifles, Berettas, and ammo in. Each safe is GSA approved and weighs close to 1,000 lbs. It took a small horde of Blue Suitors (TCNs or third country nationals) to bring all eight of those safes into our building. It was quite a sight to see. What's better is once they were all in place and unpacked we opened them up and to our surprise none of the eight safes have rifle carts installed. None. No drawers for storing ammo. None. So now we have a man sized safe, eight actually, that will sit unused till the rifle carts can be ordered. And get this ... that could be six months to never.

You see, the well has finally run dry. The days of purchasing 60 inch LCD TVs so that the 2-star can watch CNN or FOX News from his desk five feet away are over. But it doesn't prevent oversights from happening. Like when 10,000 power surge protectors were purchased from a local vendor that were not UL or CE certified and led to a couple of fires in the CHUs ... NICE! Or a second batch of power surge protectors (that's right, another 10,000) purchased from lowestbidder.com (otherwise known as China) that once again did not receive the UL or CE stamp of approval. And why would you purchase anything for use here in Iraq that was not 220 volt. Like the 30+ high security cross cut paper shredders that recently showed up at my door that now require a transformer to convert 220 to 110 to run. Like the good folks from Guinness say ... "BRILLANT!"

Now that's not to say the good folks w/ MeNSTiCk-I are not doing good things, because they are. From what I have heard, a year ago the Baghdad Police College closely resemble the Police Academy movies. Now they are churning out good, solid police. Not to mention the good work our folks are doing w/ border security and port of entry security. I would elaborate, but it would not be wise to give out too many details. We all know Al Qaeda gets all their good Intel from Facebook and Twitter. Any who, the hard work that individuals are doing over here is often over shadowed by the knee jerk reactions of those appointed over us ... case in point, the short -sided vision of prohibiting interaction between MeNSTiCk-I personnel and Department of State (U.S. Embassy) personnel.

At the heart of the matter is the different stance of the use of alcohol by the Department of Defense (DoD) and the Department of State (DoS). The DoD views Iraq as a combat zone, thus forbidding the consumption of alcohol except during approved holidays like the Super Bowl or Ground Hogs day. Yep, every red blooded service member assigned to the DoD in Iraq was able to drink two beers during the viewing of the Super Bowl this past January. As for the DoS, everyday is Ground Hogs day so personnel assigned to the U.S. Embassy can drink to their hearts content. And drink they do.

Now you can see where this can lead to some trouble. One, personnel assigned to DoD see this as a slap in the face since we are the ones maintaining the bulk of the peace here in the city. And two, when there is a will ... there is a way. There have been several occasions where a DoD member has forsaken the rules and taken a drink thinking nobody would be the wiser. But as any smart person knows, a good plan is only as strong as the dumbest person involved. Nine soldiers attended a soiree at the Italian Embassy about two months ago and decided that with only two weeks left on their tours in Iraq they would have an adult beverage ... or two ... or three ... or a bunch. Well as it would turn out, one of the members of their group decided he had had his fill and was ready to DRIVE back to his CHU for the night. And on our champion's way home he mistook a well position barricade for an open lane and plowed his vehicle into at 40 mph. Wait, it gets better.

Our champion is now dazed and confused (not a good think in the IZ) and wondering about the scene looking for any evidence (besides the Ford Explorer that is now embedded into the barricade) that would expose his drunkenness. Upon arriving on the scene and securing the perimeter, the IZ Police now turn their attention to our champion, who is refusing medical attention for his injuries and does not want to go to the CaSH (Combat Support Hospital). Luckily, our champion finally sees a familiar face and decides to open up about the incident in only a language they can understand ... Spanish. Well, as luck would have it this cryptic language called Spanish is also the mother tongue of two of the IZ Patrolman on call at the scene. So as our champion begins to spill his guts about the events of the evening to the medic, the two IZ Patrolman drink it all in. The demise of great men is often linked to their inability to visualize the consequent of their actions.

So after listening very intently to our champion's escapade of drinking at the Italian Embassy and attempting to drive back to his CHU, the IZ Patrolmen finally let him in on the secret that they too know Spanish and feel the intense need to have him perform a sobriety test. Well I think you know the rest of the story, but if not I will fill you in. He fails (no surprise there) the sobriety test and is taken to the CaSH for observation for his injuries. From there he was turned over to his leadership who upon questioning learned that our champion was not alone in his efforts. That's right Sports Fans, our champion forgot the golden rule of the corners (what, you've never watched "The Wire"?) ... you do not talk to the Five-O and you most definitely do not snitch out your brothers in arms.

What did our Nine Fine Soldiers (who only had 15 days left on their tour in Iraq) receive for their evening of imbibing? eeehhhhh! Time's up! Well, for our defendants, it's an Article 15 and a reduction in rank! And, for our champion, that's right, it's a court martial! Yes, Johnny! After violating General Order 1A and driving a vehicle while intoxicated, Staff Sergeant Joe Bag-o-donuts will have a long and prosperous career teaching typewriter maintenance at the Rocco Globbo School for Women! Thank you for playing "Should we or should we not listen to the advice of the galactically stupid!"

Now how does this one random act of severe dumbness affect the masses? Glad you asked, glad you asked. Well for starters, MeNSTiCk-I personnel are no longer allowed to associate w/ DoS personnel, or attend soirees outside of MeNSTiCk-I jurisdiction. Easy fix you say, not even close. There is no way NOT to intermingle with DoS personnel. They are everywhere over here. Most of the social events at the Liberty Pool and Union III recreation center are frequented by both DoD and DoS personnel. Hell, my flushmate (the person I share a bathroom with) is assigned to the U.S. Embassy. So how do I not associate with him? And you have no idea how many times I have left for work in the morning to find a trashcan full of beer cans or a bottle of wine. It makes my head spin, but alas, I take the high road (and I hate the high road) and do the right thing.

Wow, didn't mean to throw so much at you in one setting. It's been awhile since I have been able to sit down and properly write, but I wanted ... NO, I needed to get this down for prosperity before I make my long trek home next week for some much needed R&R. That's right Sports Fans, I am headed home for about 15 days of just hanging out by our pool and having a cocktail or two. Looking forward to spending some time with my wife and daughters and whoever else decides to show up at mi casa while I am home. And then it's back to MeNSTiCk-I for the remainder of my sentence, ummm, I mean tour. Quas ... OUT!